The Musings of Ruth

Closer to Love

2009-09-11T11:23:00.003-05:00

Our church recently did a series on Habakkuk. We talked about how we all experience "dips" in our lives in one way or another, where we encounter something that either causes us to take pause or sometimes even causes us to complete stop in our tracks of life. Habakkuk shows us how that even in those dips, God is wanting us to press in closer to Him (not just turning to Him during the good times). It's in those moments where we can really learn to trust Him. Of course, there's not always an easy answer to our situations. There won't always seem to be a way out. Sometimes it's something we have to continue to live with. God knows that. He understands that we don't always understand, that we ask why, that we even get upset with Him at times. And that's okay. Our Father loves us deeply, and wants to help us grow, just like us parents want for our children.

In the first week of the series, we showed a video of a couple from Paradox that had lost their youngest son to SIDS when he was only 5 months old. They shared their thoughts and feelings, how they reacted at the time, and how they're still coping. They also shared how they've found some peace from God, even though this is something that will stay with their family forever. The second week, another couple shared their encounter with cancer this year. My friend Marie spoke of how she just felt honored that God had trusted her with this, knowing that He would be glorified through it somehow. Now, to many of us, we can't even begin to understand how she came to that conclusion, but you'd have to know Marie to get a glimpse of how that was even possible for her to see. As of today, she is cancer free and growing stronger day by day.

The last week of the series, we showed a video of some other people at Paradox who have gone through various dips in life. The stories share their dip, some of their heartache, and where they are at now. Some are past those moments, and some are still in the thick of it, trying their best to cling to Christ. Since Matt & I are both in this video, I wanted to share it with you...

crashing to a halt

2009-06-04T10:00:00.002-05:00

Matt called me at work later on Monday to tell me that an old friend of ours, Wes, had passed away. This has effected me in a big way this week so far, and I just can't seem to snap out of it yet. I stopped thinking about the fast, and I stopped my reading. I have done a lot of praying, though, and even more-so for Wes's family and friends. I was talking to Matt about this last night. I think I feel bad that I don't really feel bad for stopping the fast...? I mean, it's not even entering my mind that I'm not continuing with what I had been so eagerly working on. I just feel like I'm going thru each day in a fog - going through the motions of work and such. I'm interacting with Kirsten & Matt & others, but my focus is completely lost. I'm even struggling to remember little things about my job at work, things that are second-nature to me there.

I'm not sure if it's because Wes was so young (only 32), or if it's just that I have so many memories of him in our lives... I just feel numb about things.

For as rough as this is on me, I know it's so much harder on Matt. They were good friends, did so many things together (including work at one point - and it wasn't a bad thing!). This has been really hard for him to grasp. I know this weekend will be so rough at the viewing/funeral.

Anyway, I'll try my best to continue however I can with the fast & reading, but I don't know how diligent I will be. Maybe I'll just plan to do it over again later in the month, when things are settled and my ability to focus returns. I'm just way too scattered in my thoughts right now.

For those who knew Wesley Atwood, please be in prayer for his family. His wife's name is Stephanie, and they have 2 kids, Madison (8 yrs) and Zane (7 yrs). Wes has a younger sister & brother (both in their 20's), and his parents are mourning, too. His best friend Virgil is coming in town from Texas to be with them until next week.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives. words my brother lived by." (A post by Wes's brother JT.)

day something-or-other

2009-06-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

Been a rough few days since Friday as far as the fasting & prayer is concerned. Just been very busy & distracted - I really am longing for my quiet alone time with God. I need my focus back. Trying to see if I can drink my coffee black, but am settling for some sugar-free flavored creamer instead. Maybe by next week I can do it! Hopefully I can catch up on my reading tonight and be back on track.

Heading off to my 10-hr. Monday at work & planning to come home for lunch. Have some hummus and boiled eggs and fruit waiting for me. And my Bible! :)

day 4

2009-05-28T10:15:00.003-05:00

I know I started this on Tuesday instead of Monday, but as to not keep confusing myself, I'm going with the date the rest of Paradox is using! This helps me with the handout we received (it's on the forums, too) of what to read each day.

This morning was so nice here at home. I don't go to work until this afternoon, so this was my first long moment of some great quality time with me & God. I got Kirsten off to school, doodled around online for a bit while waking up, then sat down to spend my time with God. I often have problems with prayer. Usually when I pray in my mind, I find myself getting easily distracted, with my thoughts going elsewhere. This time I was able to pray out loud, and it was wonderful! I was able to stay focused, and had a really long talk with God! I then took the time to re-read chapters 1-4 of John, to refresh & catch myself up on the devotionals. A little more prayer, some blog reading, and I feel great!

My friend Rebecca shared a great blog with me, one that I find very encouraging for what I'm living through right now. I don't know much about her, but Lysa TerKeurst is part of Proverbs 31 Ministries, which is geared towards women. Right now she's in the midst of a challenge to not eat any sugar, and she's been posting some of her thoughts through this. This quote stuck out to me, "The more I crave food and seek unhealthy satisfaction from food, the less I crave true satisfaction from Jesus." So often I find myself craving foods, and doing so when I'm not even hungry! It seems for the past few days I've been almost searching out the things I'm trying to keep from eating, and that's just been wasting time & focus, when I should be searching out moments with my Father instead! "So, how does one tap into God’s strength? Certainly prayer. Definitely reading the Bible. But there’s another part to it. Getting to a place where our lack of strength disgusts us. It’s found at the bottom of our excuses and rationalizations. It’s found when our efforts fail time and time again. It’s found in the humility of admission, “I need God.” One good choice later, we taste the empowerment of possibility and we start reaching forward from there."

One final quote from one of her posts...
"But for the others of you, who know exactly what I'm talking about in this post, I want to be that friend sitting across from you today saying, 'If you do this out of obedience to God, it will work.' Physically. Emotionally. And best of all, spiritually. 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, IN ALL YOUR WAYS, acknowledge him and he will make your path straight,' Proverbs 3: 5-6."

day 1

2009-05-26T21:42:00.002-05:00

I think I survived the first day! I didn't get to start out with my devotional, only because I woke up late. I decided to do that at lunchtime instead. I had a sensible breakfast, and made sure to bring carrots and deviled eggs and water to work with me for snacking. For lunch I picked up some soup & milk, and sat in my car to do my devotions and pray while eating. The first main scent of temptation came at that time, though... there's a donut shop around the corner from us, and when I walked out the back door of work, I could smell it! I practically drooled! LOL I did drink a big thing of water (of which I haven't been consuming much water at all for months now), so that was an interesting change. I sometimes thought I wish it was a Coke or Sprite, just for that sweet factor, and I used those moments to say a quick little prayer while working. That was kind of neat!

Another temptation came after work when I went to Kroger. I needed to pick up some more cottage cheese (on a good sale!) and good foods (I even got little pita pockets & some hummus and spinach dip for me & Kirsten!). But shopping after work, when it's time for dinner & I'm hungry - I should've known! I laughed a lot through the store, and had a fun little dialog running with God during my attempts of avoiding the candy & bakery & ice cream isles! (But Bryers was on sale!!!)

I was able to talk with Kirsten about this some tonight. She seemed receptive to the idea, and even a little interested in what I'm doing. I told her that when her sweet snacks run out, I won't be buying any more for a while, that she'll just have to keep eating the fruits for sweets. She said I can buy more in 3 weeks! LOL I guess she did listen to me! :)

the decision has been made

2009-05-25T22:39:00.002-05:00

I realized tonight that I need to mark down, commit in writing and put it out there, what my commitment will be during this time of fasting. Today I found myself saying "I think" in regards to it, but I know I need to just write it as "I will" instead! So, here's what I've decided to keep away from... sugar. To me, this means no pop, no ice cream, no sherbet, no candy bars, no chocolate... (I can't believe I just said no chocolate!)... this will truly be a sacrifice for me! I may not be absolute on it (for example, I may eat a flavored yogurt & see later that a small amount of sugar was in the ingredients), but this will definitely be a change. I'll try looking at the labels (yes, Ruth, there are such things on what you consume!) to see what I'm putting in my body. I'll be more aware of what I'm eating and drinking. I know this will also force me to buy more "natural" sweets - fruits! And I'll be eating more veggies, too! (I know this will surprise my Mom!)

I'm going to try to incorporate this into Kirsten's diet for the next 3 weeks as well. This weekend was very stimulating to her (we did a lot & went visiting a lot), so her mood wasn't the best for having a discussion about this. I'm hoping tomorrow night she'll be more alert & able to listen to what I have to share with her about this. Sure, she won't understand the depth of the idea of fasting, but I'll make it something that she can grasp and hopefully remember.

Matt's sacrifice will be different from mine. He can already go weeks without sugar, if needed (his snacking habits are different from mine). He decided he'll drink nothing but water. I'll be the first to tell you - this will be hard for him! He does not enjoy drinking just plain 'ol water! But this is what he decided to do.

Today as I spent a few hours in the kitchen cleaning a bunch of fruits and vegetables, I realized that this is actually going to force me to change my eating habits and make them better for my body. Then I got excited to realize that this will also effect my family - all 3 of us will be eating healthier! I may have to ask my sis-in-law Jenn for some ideas (she recently changed their family's eating habits drastically, and they've been loving it!)!

Anyway, I also need to remember to do my daily Bible reading throughout this fasting time. I'm so excited to see what God will be doing in my life through this!!!

(Again, I did say no chocolate, didn't I?!?)

the fasting challenge

2009-05-24T23:17:00.002-05:00

Paradox, the church we attend, is starting a church-wide challenge right now. The challenge is to fast. Now, for me this will not be a literal fasting of all foods. I just don't think that physically I can do this. I know the initial thought may be that I'm just not giving God enough credit that He can pull me through it, but that's not the case. For some medical reasons, it just wouldn't be a smart idea to attempt it. But what I am going to do is give up something that I daily think about or crave. I could say it's coffee, because I sure do love it, but I often skip days on my own. Just a month ago when I had a bad cold, I went over a week without it, just because I knew it wasn't going to taste as good to me. So, coffee's not the thing. I just have to come up with a decision here. Chocolate, perhaps? I know I've been eating that or thinking of that on a more regular basis lately. Sugar? As in sweets and pop and such? I have been on a huge ice cream kick the last several weeks. It has to be a sacrifice. It has to be something that won't be easy to do. I want, and I really do want, to see what happens during this. I've never attempted this in any way before. I want to see this get difficult for me, and for me to remember during those times to turn to God and pray about it. I want to pray for Him to use these moments to draw me closer to Him, to increase my desire and hunger for Him.

Throughout the next few weeks, I'm going to attempt the daily reading, too. I picked up a copy of it at church today, but they'll also be posted on our forums in case I forget. I'm eager to see how this goes for me. I challenged Matt to do it, too, and we'll probably talk more tomorrow when we have the time. This could be a really good thing for the both of us. I'm excited to see what happens!

in the clear

2009-05-11T11:51:00.004-05:00

I had my follow-up with my doctor this morning about my surgery. I'm surprised the scale there didn't show that I gained 10 pounds - I feel like I should've, considering all I did was lay around for a whole week, and the eating didn't subside! She said the incision area looks good & seems to be healing well. Only setback is that I have a bit of an infection in the area. Got meds for that & it should improve soon. She wanted me to stay home another week if I could, and I asked if I could go back to work today! She asked for a few more days, and I asked about tomorrow... we settled on tomorrow! (Hooray!) So, I'll just keep taking it easy & not lifting much (looks like I need Matt's help for laundry still! LOL). Oh, the doctor said the mass was definitely endometriosis, and it was about 2 inches by 2 inches by 2 inches (? did I say too many 2's there?!? LOL) - larger than a golf ball.

I'm excited to return to work tomorrow and get back to some sense of normality around here again! It'll be good for Matt & Kirsten, too. I'm sure they've been thrown off their regular routines with me home all the time! They've been good at helping out during all of this, and I have to say it again - Matt's been an excellent husband and caretaker of mine while I've been recovering. We even had our anniversary (14 years!) last Wednesday, and it was good to just spend time relaxing together. More than words!

Thanks for the prayers and well-wishes during this... I love you all!
xoxo - Ruth

one week down

2009-05-09T12:37:00.002-05:00

It's been a full week since my surgery, and I'll have to admit that I'm going a little stir crazy at home here! Yesterday was literally my first day out and about a bit... I went to a meeting in the morning & then out to lunch with my sister & Mom. Those two events wiped me out! It was odd - I felt a little light-headed while driving at first... wonder if it was all the fresh air?!? I noticed that gas prices went up a quarter since I've been on lock-down! Today I'm back to being grounded, tomorrow I'll be out for Mother's Day (church & hopefully some time out for me & my girlie, if I'm feeling well enough), then Monday morning I get my follow-up visit with my doctor.

For the past few days, I think I've been getting a little paranoid about my recovery. I've been behaving myself, really! I mean, how much trouble can I get into by laying on the couch, getting up occasionally to wander to another room, and laying back down? The doctor was so right, though - she said I'll feel like I can do things, but I'll need to rest. I kind of feel normal, not really in pain much at all. I guess the rest is so that I don't keep using my stomach muscles, which happens every time I go from a sitting/laying position to standing. Anyway, the paranoia started a few nights ago when I saw a few blood spots on the paper towel (I didn't have any gauze to use!) I put on the wound. There was a little bit of yellow, too, but not as much as the blood. Since then, there's been more. They're just tiny spots, but bright red. There's a part on the incision that I'm wondering if it wasn't closed up properly - I really wish she would've used stitches or something, just to make sure it healed closed well. That's the part I'm getting paranoid about. I hope it is healing correctly - I'd hate to lose any more time of work! (I miss work, actually! I miss my co-workers, the patients, and the getting away from home part!) Oh, one thing that's been bad is the itching!!! Of course, things need to be clean & shaved when there's surgery, and when hair starts to grow back in... IT ITCHES HORRIBLY!!! Ugh! LOL It's been really hard for me to restrain myself, to be honest! There's one patch of skin that I guess I'd been itching at - it's an inch or two from the incision, and I guess I'd been inadvertently scratching there instead. Now it's a huge red patch the size of a 1/2 dollar coin! I've gotta stop this!!! *twitch, twitch*

Matt's been excellent at taking care of me and making sure I don't do too much. I even thought maybe I could sneak out to see a movie with a friend on Wednesday, but the warden layed down the law and said no way! He's been great, and Kirsten's been pretty good, too.

So, I wait. I wait to see what news the doctor has for me Monday. I wait and heal up a little more in the meantime. And I rest.

doctor's offices can be frustrating

2009-05-04T20:41:00.003-05:00

So, today I called the doctor's office to set up my one-week follow-up with my doctor. The phones must've been busy, because it went to a machine and I had to leave a message. Someone from the office called me back after hours to schedule my appointment. She asked what I needed to see the doctor about, I told her I had surgery last Friday and that the doctor needed to see me for a one-week follow-up. Well, the gal told me I could come in on Wednesday, otherwise I'd have to wait until next week. She wasn't too helpful, either - seemed as if she wanted to get me off the phone quickly. Hmmm... I ended up setting an appt. for next Thursday morning. Before hanging up, I questioned if that was too far from the surgery, again restating that the doctor wanted to see me in a week. She (with a bit of a snotty attitude) told me the doctor didn't have anything else.

So, I called the office back and left a message for a nurse to call me tomorrow. I stated I had surgery last Friday and have some follow-up questions. I'm kind of hoping that my doctor just calls me, that way when I mention the appointment, I'm sure she'll just tell them to get me in this Friday! I know they must have times they can squeeze things like that in. I need to get the okay to return to work from her first - I can't wait another week! We'll see!

Oh, and today I finally started my period! (I know guys, TMI! LOL) At least it's been a few days post-op, so it's easier to deal with!

One more thing - my sister Val came by for a few today & she wanted to see the incision. I was glad, because she could get a better look than I could, and she answered a few questions for me! There's only those steri-strip type things on there, no stitches (I took off the bandages yesterday), the incision is slightly above my c-section scar, and it's about the length of my index finger (3 or so inches). That's all for now!

so far, so good

2009-05-03T14:46:00.002-05:00

Nothing too much to report over here... things are going pretty good. I'm resting a lot, which is kind of driving me nutty, but I know it's necessary. Yesterday the pain finally kicked in some, but not too bad. Today I decided to not take any meds for it, so I'd be more aware of the pain. I can't really sleep the day away, because Matt's sleeping (with church this morning & work tonight, the afternoon's the only time he could sleep today) and Kirsten's home. Not like I don't take naps when she's home, but I want to at least spend time with her reading & watching a movie or such. I'll have time to sleep/rest more while she's in school this week. Oh, the other reason I want to be aware of the pain today (aside from it keeping me awake) is so that I don't do things around here while Matt's sleeping! A friend dropped off a meal yesterday & I felt bad that the apartment's pretty messy. It's taking everything in me not to get up and do things, so being uncomfortable will remind me that I shouldn't be doing things, no matter if I want to or not! LOL (Understand the method to my madness now?!?) The pain's not horrible, anyway, and I have a pretty high tolerance. Also have that SISU thing, you know! ;)

Thanks to the friends that loaned me the laptop & Ethernet cord so I can do this via the couch... much more comfortable than sitting at a desk today!

Hope many of you got outside to enjoy the sun & nice air out there today... it's beautiful!!!

the post-scoop

2009-05-01T15:23:00.002-05:00

Things went well today. I'm on some good meds, so I mustered up enough energy to sit at the computer & give you a little update! LOL Unfortunately, we didn't get a lot of details from the doctor after the procedure. Now Matt knows how I feel every time I visit her for appointments - in, fast talking, then out she goes! The basics are that she was able to get the mass, took some surrounding tissue (I'm guessing it's at least about the size of a golf ball),sewed me back up, and that was that. It was only about a 20 minute or so surgery. She did have to do it by incision, but that's okay. We didn't get anything more than that really! I need to see her back in a week for follow-up.

So far, I'm not really in any pain, but I had quite a bit of help controlling that earlier! LOL We were just surprised with how fast I was able to leave. We're so used to Kirsten having problems with anesthesia and us having to stay for hours before we can go. Here, it was within 1/2 hour of being in the recovery room before we left. And that's including me eating a snack (raisin toast w/butter and some orange juice - yum!)!

Thanks a ton for your prayers and such! I'll get back to you as I can... Matt's telling me my time's up and I need to lay back down! :) Looks like he'll be keeping a close watch on me!

the scoop

2009-04-30T11:58:00.005-05:00

Hello! I know, I haven't been on here in eons. I keep attempting to, but things keep sidetracking me. You know, things like the obsessive Facebook craze! Anyhoo, I figured I finally had something big enough to push me back into the blogging world, so I hope this keeps the ball rolling again for me!

Tomorrow morning I'm having some surgery done. Nothing major, but then again, I have a tendency to downplay things! Here's my point of view: I have endometriosis (a girl thing, for you boys that might be reading! Google it!). It's on my c-section scar, and it's been slowly getting worse for the past few years or so. I finally realized I should get the lump removed, so it's happening tomorrow. This was the reason I was concerned with being sick last week, knowing the surgery would have to be postponed if I wasn't well in time. I figured if I had to reschedule, it'd take another year or two for me to make it happen! I'll be off work for a week & just laying around, resting up. Anyone got a laptop they'd let me use for a week or two?!? LOL

That's my viewpoint on the matter! Here's what someone else might say about it: I have endometriosis that's been progressively getting worse over the last several years. Every time I have a cycle, the lump becomes extremely painful and grows a little. Removing it has become a necessity. This is not being done laparoscopicly. This will be an invasive procedure and the doctor said I need to take a few weeks or so to recover.

My viewpoint is not to worry too much and freak out over something I can't control. I know God's in control, and things will work out fine. It'll be easier than my c-section (that's what I have to compare it to). The only thing I'm kind of wondering about is how large it is (I'm guessing golf-ball size?), and what if the doctor finds out it's actually something different?!? LOL

Anyway, that's the scoop of what's going on with me at the moment! I'm kind of doubting I'll be online tomorrow, so I'll see if Matt can get on here to do an update in the afternoon when we get home.

Oh, one annoying fact that you women can "ugh!" along with me on is this: the doctor wanted me on my period at the time of surgery. That way the lump is inflamed as much as possible, so she can take that out with some surrounding tissue. So, I took my 10 days worth of meds to start my cycle, and I'm still waiting for it to kick in! Oh, joy. NOT! I bet it'll start as soon as I'm completely relaxed, like Friday night when I'm doped up & sleeping. Talk about adding insult to injury! LOL

One last thing - one of the main reasons I'm sharing this is because I know many of you in my circle of family & friends would want to know. I know you'll be thinking of me & praying for me, and I really appreciate that. It's important to me to know if any of you are having something big going on in your life (I care about the little stuff, too, though!), so how can I expect you to randomly tell me things if I'm not doing the same? You know?!? So, you've been given notice... I expect to get updates from you on things, too! I love you! :)

P.S. If you ran across this & I didn't send you the info personally, I'm sorry! I was emailing around, and realized I didn't want to bug too many people about it! *blushes*

politics schmolitics

2008-09-25T07:50:00.008-05:00

I am not a politician. I could never be a politician. Main reason - I'm a very non-confrontational person. I couldn't emotionally handle the debates and the slandering and the back-stabbing and the constant lies. I'd have to have a really good right-hand man who could remind me which lie I told to whom and when, otherwise I'd forget! I have a hard enough time dealing with patients at work that don't want to update their forms when I ask them to - I can feel a rush of heat thru my body & I feel like I'm about to start shaking! I feel like screaming at them, then bursting into tears!

Matt talked with me this morning about the news of McCain wanting to delay the presidential debate. He wants to go to Washington to work for a bipartisan solution to the horrible economic state our country is in. Obama doesn't want to do that, stating that the next president needs to "deal with more than one thing at once." I know there's more than the financial issue at hand here. I'm not that naive to think otherwise. But still. There is this issue, and it's serious. We all know how much our own financial state is hurting, and we have a picture of how the country is suffering as well. We can see the changes we've been thru in the last several years, and we know it's serious. Change needs to happen. Change for the better must happen. And soon!

So, aside from their own personal angles Obama and McCain are playing during this situations, I've been thinking about what I feel they should do. I can tell you what I would do - I'd go to Washington. I'm saying if I were running, and this situation came up, that's what I'd do. My reason? I can't focus on two major things at once, and that's another reason I'd be a horrible politician! I wouldn't be able to worry about what I need to do to keep my campaign running with fundraising and meetings and interviews and debates and other events. If I knew I could help in any way in Washington with this financial matter, that's where I'd want to be. I'd want to focus all my attention and energy into that. Debates and interviews and such could wait a week or two.

The American people have a clear view by now of the candidates. Personally, I'm getting burned out with the constant commercials and ads and news and such about them. Maybe it's because of that long & dragged-out fight between Obama & Hillary. I was sick of hearing about candidates at that point! Granted, I don't have a clear-cut decision of who I'm voting for yet, but I'll get there. If they both decide to take a little break to go help our country now (not just waiting to see what they'll do when they become President), I'd be happy about that. I'd be happy to see them putting aside their differences, dropping the stupid "Democrat" and "Republican" labels and taking on their "American" label instead - that would make me proud. SHOW me how much you care for me - put your money where your mouth is and DO something now to help us out! Let me see some action, not just words!

*side rant*
Are you tired of the party labels? I sure am. I'm tired of hearing people that vote on an entire party only because it's what the rest of their family does, so they do. What happened to looking at the individual? I've voted for a President from each party before! I voted on who I felt was the best for the job at the time, not who is from which party. I'm tired of feeling that sense of arrogance from people that think the party they support is the best one around, and that if you vote otherwise, you're beneath them. Not as smart as they are. Not as cool as they are. Not as right as they are. What happened to being a united country? Americans, not Democrats or Republicans? I'm tired of it.
*end of side rant*

I didn't intend for this to be such a rant about politics, I just wanted to share my thoughts about this bit of news I heard this morning. There was a joint statement last night where McCain and Obama said our country is facing "a moment of economic crisis," and called for political unity to solve it because "the jobs, savings and the prosperity of the American people are at stake." Both of them said the Bush plan was "flawed." My final thought - let's see some unity. How about the both of you work together with the rest on board to help solve this. The debate can wait. Our financial futures can't.

unfocused

2008-09-18T10:33:00.003-05:00

I know, I really need to get back into this. If not for my own sake, for my mother-in-law's! LOL (I love you, Mom!) Many days I've found myself saying, "Oh, I need to blog about that!" Then, as you can see, I forget. Something about my focus has really been off-whack this year. More specifically since mid-spring or so. Maybe it was the whole move thing? During and after our move, for most of the summer actually, we had all sorts of car issues happening. Maybe that knocked me off my kilter? I'm not sure. I wish I could put my finger on whatever got me off-track so I can deal with it, recover, and get back to things. Then again, my "norm" around home has been different. Kirsten's in 2nd grade now, I've picked up more hours, and I'm really not online as much as I used to be. I think it's a good thing, but part of me still wonders why.

Anyway, I still have much unpacking & organizing to do around here. With more hours at work, I just can't seem to be motivated to do a lot. My motivation hits me when Matt's sleeping during the day. You know, when I can't get into our bedroom & tackle what's bugging me in there! Today I had the morning before work to do things. I did some online browsing & such (Facebooking, actually!) while having my coffee & bagel. Then I planned on attacking at least one box in the living room. I walked to the kitchen and realized I needed to make some Kool-aid. I also needed to empty the full ice trays so Kirsten could use the fun shapes (hearts & stars right now). One thing led to another & I ended up doing kitchen work - and quite a lot! Emptied the dishwasher. Restacked & put it running again. Got rid of any old foods in the fridge. Scrubbed down the inside of the entire fridge & freezer. Make the Kool-aid. Refilled the water pitcher. Poured myself a glass of orange juice, and here I sit!

So, I didn't get to the box I intended to today, but I did accomplish something! Nothing that helps me get closer to inviting company over (again - I love you, Mom!), but it's something that made me feel good doing. Maybe I'll find a small one I can clear out before work. I think I can manage that! :)

** It's been an hour or two since this post, and I have to add this... I'm about to hop in the shower to get ready for work, and I'm proud to say it's a spotless shower! I spent the time between that post and now to SCRUB the bathroom! Didn't get to the floor, but everything else is squeaky clean & sparkly! :)

look who's eight

2008-07-26T09:21:00.003-05:00

Today my little girl turned 8 years old! I wasn't quite sure what to say about this birthday on my blog here. I think I've posted enough sappy ones in the past where I've looked back to when she was born and the emotional circumstances surrounding that. So many of you already know the story, and the rest can either check my prior posts (here or here) or ask me later if you're curious. (I also have the story of her surgeries on our website.) I think what I'll do today is share some things about Kirsten with you. I'll paint a picture of who she is today...

* Her interest in music has really blossomed lately. She often plays a movie in her room (a Barbie Princess one) over and over, just to sing along with the songs.

* She still has training wheels on her bike. Matt & I joke around that she'll be like Phoebe from Friends - finally learning how to ride when she's an adult!
Honestly, she just gets bored of riding it, and she gets bored fast. Maybe it has something to do with it being more of a solo sport for her right now? She'd rather be playing with someone else!

* She'll be in 2nd grade in the fall. We've been reassured by last year's progress that again, we've made the right choice in giving her that extra year before starting Kindergarten. It was good for her, and she's doing great in school now. It's always very rewarding as a parent to see your decisions turning out for the positive!

* Kirsten really started taking off with her reading skills earlier this year, and she loves to read all the time. I even catch her reading to the toys in her room! It's so great!

* My Peanut absolutely loves animals! She has quite the collection of stuffed animals and little figurines, and her vivid imagination runs wild as she plays out all sorts of adventures with them! It makes my heart smile so big to see the amazing imagination she has! I love it!

* Like many kids (or girls, to be specific), she has moments of attitude issues at home with me. I think all kids tend to test their limits with their Moms the most. But for the most part, Kirsten just really wants to please others. We see this all the time when we watch her interact with others. Whether it's family or friends or complete strangers she's playing with at a local play area, she shares and offers to help and just wants to BE with whoever is there. I think the moments of frustrations mostly come now from just not being able to express her thoughts or emotions well. She really is such a sweetie who just loves being with others.

* Kirsten loves wearing dresses and skirts now. Her Daddy tells her that she's a beautiful princess, no matter what she wears, but she still likes to dress up to feel like one! I even catch her walking with her arms to her sides, hands tilted up and out, like Princesses in movies she watches! Too cute!

We were supposed to be up in Higgins Lake these past few days and through the weekend, but Matt's vacation schedule got messsed up at work. Instead, we're just going to spend the day together, doing things that Kirsten wants to do. On her agenda is a movie (yet to be determined) and a dinner at Red Robin... she loves the special treat, balloon, and song they sing to her!

Happy 8th birthday, my sweetie! We love you!!!

waiting to know God's plan

2008-07-12T21:49:00.003-05:00

"The lesson continues until the lesson is learned." I heard a friend quote that a week or so ago. Patience may just be something I'll never quite learn. I think it's a life-long lesson. Most often I feel okay and can be patient, and other times I can't. Maybe at this point in life it's based on the level of importance of what I'm waiting for? Nah, I sometimes get impatient for silly things, like waiting my turn in line at the store. But that's not often. Overall, I'm okay with waiting for things. Time seems to pass quickly enough. Just looking at my almost 8-yr.old daughter shows me that!

Right now, we're waiting for an answer. It's based around Matt's job. As most of you know, he's been working for Panera as a baker, working midnights. He started out with no baking experience (other than at home - and he's great here!), and I wasn't sure how he would like it. It quickly turned into something that he really enjoyed, and he began doing very well at his job. It's going on 4 years now since he started, and this year he's been pursuing avenues to see about advancing his career there. This really made me happy to see that he really wants to stay with this employer - to make this his "last job," so to speak. His career. Where he can retire from. I know what else is in his mind is what most men / husbands / fathers think of... he wants to continue to provide for his family, too. What he's pursuing is moving to management. That would mean switching to days, too. That in itself would be an adjustment for us all, but I'd welcome it with open arms & do whatever is needed to make it work best for us. He's taken tests, had interviews, and now we're just waiting for a response. A yes or no.

I really hope they give him the opportunity. They've already seen how well he's done at his current position, and I know he'll grow to exceed expectations in the next position, if given the chance. A downfall is that he doesn't have the experience, but I'm really hoping & praying that they'll let him gain the experience as he does the job, like he did with baking. He doesn't want to go elsewhere to get the experience, he wants to stay with Panera. I hope that they've been able to see his passion for this place. I sure do. And for those of you that know Matt, you know how he can be fun to be around. I've seen him in the past when we worked with the teens at our old church. I can only imagine how cool he'd be to work with!

And so we wait. It's been about a week so far, and I know these things can take time. But when it's something you want so very much... !!! I kind of feel like I did on Christmas morning as a child. I would wait on the stairs for everyone else to wake up & then we could go into the living room by the tree. I couldn't wait for those presents - I was so eager to open them! It's that same kind of excitement I'm feeling about this opportunity for my hubby right now! I'm excited for him!

Please pray with us as we wait! Of course, this would be an amazing experience for Matt if he gets it, but I also know there's a chance they'll say no. And rejection is always hard, no matter where it comes from. We just need to keep remembering that God is in control, not us. We need to wait and try our best to be patient. One of the coolest verses I know reminds me about this... Jeremiah 29:11 talks about God having a plan for us, a plan to prosper & not to harm us, a plan to give us hope & a future! Plan, prosper, hope, future... I think I can be patient with that. Someone much larger than me is in control, and I'm fully okay with letting Him keep it that way! I mess things up too much when I try running it all! LOL So I'll wait. And I'll pray. And I'll remind my husband that God's got it all under control.

we've been hit!

2008-03-16T21:28:00.004-05:00

It's official. Influenza B has invaded our home. Well, more like it's invaded my husband! Matt is officially illin'... big time! It started earlier in the week with coughs & a fever. The aches & pains started next & knocked him out of work Thursday night. Friday he went to see the doctor & was told it was probably just a virus. He decided to try working thru it Friday night, which turned out to be pretty rough. Personally, I wouldn't want to eat somewhere when I know the baker/chef is sick. (He's a baker - works midnights.) The idea of massive coughing attacks & fevers around my cheese bagel just doesn't sound appealing! Saturday it was out of control for him. The pain in his body & throat just became too rough, even for my tough hubby to handle. Alternating Tylenol & Motrin every 4-6 hours for the past few days just wasn't doing it. It was time for some outside assistance. We dropped Kirsten off at my Mom's and headed to the hospital. We arrived at 8:30pm and were checked in pretty fast. This was definitely a different experience for us... in the past we've only dealt with him taking me to the hospital (gall bladder & then pregnancy emergency), or us taking Kirsten back after a problem with one of her nose surgeries. This was the first time I was taking Matt in for something. Anyway, they moved us along fast, which was nice. Matt was just so looking for some relief from the extreme pain he was in. His temp was 102.8 and they said his pulse was running pretty high. By the time we left around 10:30, his temp was still about the same (102.7), but at least he had a bag and a half of IV fluids and some meds. Unfortunately, they only gave him some Tylenol & Motrin, which didn't really help the pain for him. Poor honey! He had the chills pretty bad and was bundling up as much as possible. The doctor explained that with this flu, he should try just wearing a t-shirt & boxers at home, not over-bundling which would keep the fever higher. I asked if he could return to work & she pretty much said no way. She said this lasts 7-10 days, his fever might still continue 2 or 3 more days, and the rest should start subsiding some after that (but the aches & fatigue will linger longest). She said he's still quite contagious, but we've most likely all been exposed already to it. I looked up a few sites online (here andhere) that pretty much confirmed how it's already been out there for us to catch. I think Paul might have caught some of it, but I'm hoping & praying Kirsten & I haven't. (I think we just have small colds so far.) Anyway, we found out that Kirsten threw up at my Mom's house while we were at the hospital... sorry Mom! Today we figured out that maybe it was just from too much stimulation. Too much partying that day, to be honest! I took her to my friend Maggie's baby shower with me for a little bit, and then I took her from there right to her schoolmate Brittney's birthday party. Too much excitement, perhaps? Like I said, I think Kirsten & I are just fighting off colds, and Paul's fighting a fever & body aches. I can't wait for nice enough weather that will let us open up some windows & air out this sick house!

Oh, I forgot to tell a funny part of our night in the ER... Matt was having issues with being very cold (chills). He was given a little blanket, which he doubled up and wrapped around his upper body. I ended up using my coat to help cover his legs & feet. A hospital employee came in to stock something, and he looked at Matt. This was a large, burly man with a heavy accent (Slovic, maybe?), and very friendly. He asked Matt what happened to him - was he attacked by a guy with a hook or one with a wooden leg? We were a little puzzled, then realized he was looking at Matt's skull cap... there was a skull & crossbone patch on it! He asked if Matt needed anything, and Matt asked for another blanket. The man said, "Anything for you, my Pirate Captain!" He quickly came back with 2 large, very warm blankets! .

Oh, and one other not-so-funny (slightly disturbing to me) thing that happened... the doctor asked if I was Matt's MOM!!! I thought she was joking, but I don't think she was! Maybe it's because I was doing all the talking for him (his throat was hurting too much)? Or maybe it's because with the skull cap on & the way he was bundled up, she mistook him for being in his late teens? I mean, I could feasibly have a 17 year old... but I think I'll stop right there, that thought's making me sick to my stomach! LOL (Do I really look that much older than him?!? Ugh!)

and it's down

2008-07-08T18:58:00.002-05:00

We took the post down from the website. It looks like we're going to keep the silver Taurus now! Talk about confusing, huh?!? Seems like it's the best over-all investment and choice for us, so we're going to get the transmission fixed (or repaired or whatever it is - that's Matt's realm of phone calls!) and keep it. We're going to sell the blue Taurus & use that money towards the repairs on the silver one.

Yup, that's the plan! For now, at least! :)

wakey! wakey!

2008-07-05T10:14:00.002-05:00

(To the tune of "Wake up, little Suzie"...) "Wake up, little Ruthie, wake up!" I can hear that in my head, with Matt singing it to me. He hasn't done that in years, but I sure need an alarm clock with that on it! The cell phone alarm just doesn't seem to work for me. I hate setting my actual clock, because of the awkward timing between Matt getting home & going to sleep shortly before I'd like to wake up. I'd hate for him to just be falling into a deep sleep, only for my loud alarm to wake him. So, instead, I sleep in. Today I slept in until Kirsten came to wake me up. That was 10:45! Um, I'm all for getting some extra sleep like that on occasion, but since school's been out for her, I think our sleeping schedule has been getting quite off-whack!

Anyone else falling into the same pattern as me?!? Staying up late & sleeping in late?!?

wordless wednesday - with a little words - it's going up!

2008-07-02T16:45:00.003-05:00

In about 10 minutes, our pretty little car will be posted for sale on craigslist.org! We're hoping it'll sell! (Need the cash for getting something new!)

exercise over

2008-06-29T21:59:00.003-05:00

Wow, I actually posted for 7 days in a row! I think the main thing I've learned during this week is that I seem to be most productive with my blogs when I write in the morning. Granted, I'm not talking about early morning - not at least until I've had a cup of coffee 1/2 way in my system! I think I've just been getting too tired by evening, and my thoughts by then (like now) are all jumbled up. So, maybe tomorrow morning, after some coffee, I'll post a little about my weekend. It was quite busy, but very enjoyable! We had some quality family time, which always makes my heart so happy. Goodnight, and thanks for keeping up with my silly week of exercising here!

(Now, if only I could find a way to catch up on my blog readings!?! Any thoughts?!?)

day 7

2008-06-28T14:17:00.002-05:00

I did something productive today! We're going out with some extended family tonight to enjoy the beach & dinner & some fireworks (weather permitting), and my task is to bring some chips & a dessert. Normally, I would've just bought something yummy to bring. But even though I only had 2 hours before leaving, I decided to bake brownies! Yes, from a box, but I baked them! And I don't think (so far) that they burned or under-cooked! LOL So, did you do something you like to do yet?!?

day 6 - sisu

2008-06-27T10:33:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could just be a girly-girl. I wish I had all the time in the world to clean my home and make it as nice as I'd like it to be. I wish I could have girlfriends over for coffee (or either of my Moms!) while my daughter played quietly in the other room. I wish I could bake delicious goods from scratch, without even needing a recipe. I wish I could make my own unique and amazing cards to send out for birthdays and such. I wish my husband would always fill the tank with gas and would do all the "manly" things while I watch my soaps and eat bon-bons! I wish I liked pink more.

But that's just not me! My home is often messy, but we use it. I do have people over sometimes (when we're settled after moving, that is), and we laugh and enjoy one another's company while my daughter plays energetically (and often quite loud - she has FUN!) in the other room. I attempt to make things, from a box, with a recipe, and I sometimes burn them. But at least I try. I have wonderful ideas of creative things to make, but they don't always turn out the way I'd like them to. Sometimes a few will make the grade, and those are sent. But even the store-bought ones are filled with love (I take forever to pick out just the "right one"!), and I think my recipients know that. I fill the gas tank probably more than half the amount my husband does, only because it's really more convenient with my hours than his. I take out the trash, I move boxes, I put together cabinets (women follow the directions!), I move furniture, I fix the computer... I do "manly" things! And I have about 2 weeks of my soap on the DVR to catch up on, I'm not sure if I even like bon-bons (but I do like chocolate!), and I like pink... sometimes!

Growing up, I used to think my "toughness" was attributed to the fact that I have older brothers and wanted to impress them, letting them know I could keep up with them. Um, I don't know why I was thinking that - they're 4 and 11 and 16 years older than me! (Of course, I had sisters, too - 13 and 14 and 17 years older than me!) When I sit back and look at it now, sure, sometimes it might've been that. I can recall a time when I moved a pretty heavy chest of drawers from the main level to upstairs - including rounding a corner - by myself. I remember my Dad getting a little upset with me, but I loved the little gleam I saw in his eye as he caught me toward the end of the move. I'm not sure if it was really there or not, but I thought I saw it - and it was full of happy pride for his daughter. I'm sure a father must feel good when he sees his daughter doing things for herself. My Dad taught me a lot of things - I remember changing my own flat tires, adding oil and trans.fluids when needed, etc. I knew basic things, and I'm so thankful my Dad taught me those. Lifelong skills, ya know? Anyway, back to the proving I was tough thing! So, sometimes it might've been to prove I could keep up with the rest. Sometimes it was just to make them smile that I could do something. But I think a lot of it is purely genetic.

Genetic? Yes, it's SISU! A definition of sisu is described as "a Finnish term meaning, roughly, inner strength, determination, perseverance in the face of adversity, and a strong work ethic." The Wiki goes into more detail, but basically sums it up the same. Inner strength. Perseverance in the face of adversity. Strong work ethic. When I look at my Mom (she's 100% Finnish), she has always done so much. Sure, my Dad did a lot of the "manly" things around the house, but my Mom could, too. And when she worked at something, she did it whole-heartedly, and still does. She could do anything as far as I was concerned! And if I think of her Mom, yup, Gramma was the same way! They were both always hard-working women, determined, focused, always got the job done and did it right. They also knew how to have that feminine balance - they were sweet, very loving, giving, warm and caring. (Sorry for lack of more words - I only had one cup of coffee today!) They loved God and loved their families. They found that balance.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still striving to find that balance. Especially on days where I'm working, running for gas, picking up toilet paper & milk at the store, and tucking my daughter in at night. On days where I have to wait for the maintenance guy come repair something while I'm trying to unpack and organize the kitchen. On days where I have a church meeting and something else going on with Kirsten the same night. And on days when I have absolutely nothing on the calendar. But I have sisu! I have the drive! I also know it's something that God's instilled in the make-up of who I am. I just have to fight that procrastinating side of me to actually do the things I want to do!

Do you have something you've been putting off that you want to do? Take this weekend and see if you can make it happen! Whether it be a craft project, catching up on laundry, visiting someone you miss, reading a book... whatever it is, just do it! :)

P.S. See what happens when I actually blog in the morning?!? I have words! LOL

day 5

2008-06-26T22:26:00.002-05:00

Okay, this will be another wasted post, but again, it's for the routine I need to re-establish. I still haven't caught up on everyone else's blogs. I will, it'll just take time! It's odd how I really spend less than an hour or so online daily now. Huh! I do think of some good things I'd like to blog about, but they're during circumstances when I can't get online. Like today at work. I was doing pretests on a patient and thought of something good to blog about - now I can't remember what it was! D'oh! Oh well, another day, perhaps!