Fear
I don't mind the occasional small fearful moment, those are expected with life. You know, like when a car pulls out in front of yours and you narrowly miss hitting, or when the plastics in the oven you just turned on start a small fire because you forgot to remove them from when you rush-cleaned for company the night before (the fire is easy to contain and eliminate). The ones I dread are the ones that I feel down to my soul, so to speak. The paralyzing kind. The type that makes me feel almost in a panic, yet I'm too afraid to move, almost even too afraid to think. I've experienced many of the smaller fears as a parent: how to know if my 4 pound baby was getting enough nutrition, seeing her vision prescription double in a year and wonder if it'll ever slow down, concern about if she'd outgrow the developmental problems she had with her bowels or how that would effect her future, etc. And I've been through more than enough of the rough ones: being told I'd have to suddenly deliver my daughter 8 weeks before her due-date or we could both die, seeing the look of panic in her eyes as she pleads "Don't leave me Mommy!" as they're shooing me out of the operating room before yet another surgery that will turn out unsuccessful (talk about guilt), and more recently again - the tears and begging for me to stay with her as she was about to have dental work done. I HATE THAT FEELING! Total helplessness! I sat in the lobby and felt like sobbing. Then I started shaking inside. I got a few messages out for some prayer from loved ones, and I sat down. I even just felt too paralyzed to muster up complete thoughts to pray about. Moments like that are good for music. I think God brings different songs to mind to help calm my heart, relax, and try to focus on Him a bit. I do like idea that I can just be there, with Christ by my side, and not really have to even say a thing. He knows.
It was just weird to come to a hard revelation that experiencing those horrible fears as a parent are far from over. I just hope I can learn more on how to handle them better, how to stay calm a bit easier. I do take comfort in the music I know... new songs I've learned during worship segments at church, and even those old favorite hymns. It is well with my soul!
Do you have any big fears that paralyze you? If so, what happens to you during those moments... how do you handle them?
posted by Ruth @ 10:05 PM
1 Comments:
I totally know what you mean! What has helped me tremendously is reminding myself that this is not MY child. It's God's child whom He has entrusted to me for a time to care for and love and teach. I got a good lesson in that before Otto came home and was in someone else's care. I had to trust that God was taking care of him and reminded myself that God loves Otto way more than I ever could and is far more concerned about him than I'm capable of! We deal with whatever He has given us in each of our children, ups and downs. Also, and I love this.....God specifically chose you to be Kirsten's mommy. Many times I think to myself regarding my own situation, surely someone else out there is better, but no, not for Otto, or Kirsten or any of our kids! That is amazing to think about! Of course that's not to say that we're perfect, but He chose us and that says something so be encouraged and lift her up to Him. All her problems, delays, etc. And she's at a perfect age to pray with her in those moments and to remind her to rely of Jesus especially in those moments! What a gift you are to your daughter and the apple of God's eye! God bless you!
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