WARNING: sobbings of an emotional woman to follow!

Let me preface this with an apology if you haven't seen the episode yet... this is a big spoiler here! Tuesday night I finally watched last week's season opener of "ER"... and I cried like I knew I would! I'm sure the episode led to the dream I woke with the next morning, and it left me quite sad. I dreamt that I was pregnant. (Come to think of it, maybe the baby boom at Paradox was a factor, too?) The dream just seemed so real! I was happy, rubbing my large tummy, talking to the baby inside, and smiling big. Then I woke up. I woke up realizing this was from seeing "ER" where Abby delivered her baby prematurely, like I did with Kirsten. The baby was rushed off and her health (Abby's) prevented her from seeing the baby for a while, of which the same happened to me. At least Luka was able to show her a little video feed (or clip, I wasn't sure)... I had 2 polaroid shots from a NICU nurse to cherish until I could see my girl (more than 30 hours after her birth).

Part of me so longs for that dream... and that full pregnant belly, of which I didn't have. I wish I could have the privilege of carrying a baby again. I wish that I could give Kirsten a baby brother or sister that she can grow with and love on. I'm the youngest of 7 kids... I have no idea how it feels to be an only child. But to entertain the thought of actually conceiving... I can't do it. I've passed the point of skipping periods and with nervous excitement taking a hpt (home preg.test), only to have my heart ripped out over and over when the results are negative. I've done it too many times... there's really no point to do that to myself again. I've accepted the fact that my plumbing is all screwed up. I've been taking steps to help it, but... I know. I've been thru enough, educated myself enough about my infertility... I know. So then why is this bothering me so much? I don't want to go back to the days where it's hard for me when a friend (or acquaintance even) announces that they're pregnant. Those days were so tough... I wanted to be excited for them, share in the happiness of the awesome blessing, but it was so hard and hurt so badly inside.

I guess all I can do is pray harder about this. Pray that God will fill that sadness with the joy that only He can give, and that Kirsten keeps my "kid spot" filled to the brim, too! Pray that my body might be healed, or that it can at least improve enough for "normal" functions (yes, I actually would like to have periods in a normal fashion! I'm nuts!). Pray that when thoughts enter my mind that I know can tear me down, I won't entertain them. And pray that others (like maybe you?!?) will pray along with me.

Oh, and that tonight's dream will contain the wonderful things that my real life is full of!!! :)