writer's block

Wikipedia describes writer's block as "temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity." It continues to say it can be related to depression or anxiety. Another interpretation argues that many writers "have been unable to devote themselves to, or concentrate on, their writing because their social and economic circumstances prevent them from doing so." They offer various solutions to help with writer's block, many of which I might try sometime.

I've noticed I have problems writing. When I sit down to write, I get nothing. I get hit with all these great blogging ideas when I'm in a situation where I can't write - like when I'm in the middle of my shift at work, or in bed just as I'm about to fall asleep, or down at the bus stop waiting to pick up Kirsten. If my phone's handy, I'll send myself a little text message with a small gist of what I want to write about. As soon as I finish waiting on patients, or wake up in the morning, or get home with Kirsten, I completely forget. Then days and weeks pass, and I finally see the message in my phone, without a clue of what the rest of the story is behind the few words or broken sentences.

I think a large portion of my problem is pretty simple. It's about insecurity. I have so many friends and family around me that I see as great writers. Karen has been an amazing writer for as long as I've known her. She's recently (in the past year or two) delved into the blogging world, and it's been exciting to see all these things she's had stored up in her mind just take off in print. I firmly believe she's on her way to one day publishing her amazing thoughts. My friend Rebecca was the one that inspired and encouraged me to start my blog. When she posts about something, she backs it up with so much information that you really can learn a lot from her. This past Sunday I had the privilege of sitting in church next to my friend Shelley. This girl is a natural writer - she amazes me! I couldn't help but watch how her mind was running while our pastor was speaking. That might not make perfect sense, but bear with me as I explain! Shelley is a note taker. She had a great notebook that her husband gave her, and she was writing with a gorgeous olive colored fine point Sharpie (I'm totally into pens!). Now, when I take notes, I'm lucky if I can hear what the speaker is saying and get words down legibly. Shelley has the art down to a science, including full sentences, bullet points, outlined sections... it's amazing! I would've paid her to take notes for me in some of my college classes - that might have helped me a few points at least! Oh, and her handwriting is a style I've always been fascinated with - I wish I could write that cool! I love it! (I'll say it first, "Ruth, you're a nerd!") Anyway, it was like watching a painting in progress. It really was beautiful! (Sorry for not totally listening to you, Craig - I was mesmerized!) Then there's someone like Doug. He writes (and speaks) in languages I don't comprehend (big words! LOL), yet I feel challenged to try my hardest to understand. He reminds me some of my brother Steve, and maybe that's what intrigues me to keep reading his posts. I also have other blogging and non-blogging friends/family that are amazing writers.

The problem is that I think I let myself feel inadequate too much. I read their posts and don't leave comments (yes, I'm a lurker), fearing that I won't have anything remotely intelligent or witty enough to say. I hesitate on posting things myself because I worry about how silly I might sound, or how trivial the post might seem. I know I have issues with people face to face in conversations, where the same things go through my mind, which prevents me from sharing as much as I'd like to. (I even posted about it earlier this month.)

I think I'll try to take some of the advice Karen left on her blog today about writing. She said not to be afraid to be vulnerable. I've already seen how sometimes just getting things out paper, so to speak, has been therapeutic for me. And I've seen how touched I've been by posts from others. Who's to say mine don't effect others, too?

So, I'll keep trying. I'll write in the manner I decide, with whatever punctuation and simple words I feel like using. I might end up posting with just a photo here and there, or a silly story about something at home. I might pour out my heart some, or I might just share a recipe I found that looks good. (Of course, that would be with a hint for anyone to make it for me! LOL) I know the majority of people that even look at my blog are family and friends that I know care for me, so I need to just continue being myself and let it be!

wordless wednesday - can you tell I'm happy?!? (she's in the green coat)

aaaah... it's finally over!

Oh, thank you LORD! I'm so thrilled that I can send Kirsten back to school tomorrow! Last week was winter break, and she was sick. It started over that weekend with a cough that progressively got worse. You know, the kind that keeps you up all night because as soon as you lay down it decides to really attack you. Poor girl, she's such the trooper, she really is. She barely complained about her throat hurting. You just know the cough had to annoy her head, too, but she never said a word. Anyway, I took her to the doctor last Tuesday, on my day off. They ran a strep test & the initial results came back negative (the one they sent out ended up coming back negative as well). Nothing much was said except to watch her & let them know if she became worse.

Wednesday afternoon my Mom was watching her while I was working, and during this time she started getting worse. She wasn't eating/drinking much (this girl normally grazes all day long), was just laying around... my Mom even said she turned down some ice cream... CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM! (If you don't know, Kirsten would eat ice cream every day if I'd let her... and she's a chocolate fanatic!) When I picked her up, she threw up in the car. When we got home, her temp was 104.4. I really kicked in alternating the Tylenol & Motrin at that point, and did everything else to get her to eat/drink some. The next symptom to show was the runs... just so fun to clean up! LOL That finally subsided after a few days, and her coughing seemed to ease up some, too.

Saturday evening we decided she still wasn't in the best shape for church on Sunday (small fever), so we kept her home. I took her to the store with me in the afternoon, figuring the poor girl needed to get out a little, and the vomiting began... in Walmart, of course! She napped when we got home. My niece Jenny came to watch her that evening, and Kirsten got sick again. Speaking of being a trooper, Jenny really was! She cleaned up the mess so well... definitely earned some bonus babysitting bucks for that!

Monday (yesterday) was the first day back to school, of which we knew we'd have to keep her home. Matt decided since she seemed to be feeling better, he'd take her for a treat to go see a movie. I love when he does special things like that with her... reminds me of how much I've always adored my own father! Anyway, I get a call at work. Apparently, she threw up IN the theatre! Then again in the lobby, and again a few more times in the bathroom! She capped it off one more time before bed at home, but at least there was a bucket next to her!

Needless to say, I'm very frustrated at this point.

I kept her home again today, and took her to the doctor. Long story short, it's just a virus. If there's no vomiting today (which there wasn't), she can return to school tomorrow (which she IS!). Keep doing breathing treatments twice a day (we started that a few days back), and watch her temp. Most important, we need to make sure she's getting food/drink in her system. This little Peanut LOST TWO POUNDS in a week! She's too thin to begin with! She dropped from 42 (and some fraction) pounds down to 40! The doctor wants to see her back in a month to make sure she's at least gained it back. So, I'm happy, and she's thrilled. We all have been waiting to get back to some type of normalcy, and are glad it's finally here!


(Here she is reading a book at the doctor's office today!)

wordless wednesday - I flickr'd "tattoo" and found Tattoo Bill

wordless wednesday - look, mommy, she's got boobs!

kids say the darndest things

In the car today, Kirsten was pretending like she was a "cooker" and was taking my order. After I had my meal, she offered dessert. She was telling me what she had, and she said "we have ice cream sundaes, ice cream mondays, ..." ...! I didn't want to correct her... it was just too cute!!!

I just wanted to say hello

Do you ever say stupid things? Do you ever find yourself in a situation where your mouth just starts spewing words out and you wish you could just stop them, but for some reason you can't? Do you ever want to audibly tell yourself to shut up? Tonight I had that type of moment. I feel like such an idiot! I was at a housewarming party. My friend and her fiance bought a beautiful new home and had family and friends over to celebrate with them. I saw someone walk in that was familiar to me. She's a patient from where I work. I decided I wanted to go say hello to her before I left. I always like talking to her at work - she's pretty nice & has awesome colors in her hair! So, I fumble over to say hello.

Let me just interject with something here. I'm not certain as to how many of you can relate to this, but I really am not confident whatsoever with my mingling abilities. I must've been better when I was younger, because I don't remember feeling so awkward like I do now when faced with these situations. (I'll have to ask Vickie - she helps me remember things.) (Yes, old age!) I definitely feel uncomfortable when I'm in a room of strangers. I look for people I know, or I tend to just sit quietly. I'm not great at starting conversations with people I'm unfamiliar with. I often even struggle with people I know. I guess I worry about sounding like an idiot. I think tonight is my case in point.

I say hello & remind her of where she knows me. She smiles & says a few words that set my mind at ease, letting me know that she actually does remember who I am. From there, the rest felt like an out-of-body experience. It was as if I was just this vessel, and words were just pouring out of my mouth, without my knowledge of what was being said or why. The gist of it was that I guess I was trying to recall a few things she's told me about herself, and somehow bring that up in conversation. There really was no need for a conversation. Just that small hello & refresher of our connection & then a nice goodbye would have been plenty. Short & sweet. I should have left it as that. But no. I had to keep trying to say more. Nothing mean, but just dumb stuff. After my babbling spew, I left. On the way home, I realized how stupid I must've sounded, and how horribly embarrassed I suddenly felt. This girl was there with her boyfriend. AFTER my "moment" I found out that they hadn't been dating long. Why did I mention her kids? What if she didn't tell him that she had children? Did I just completely screw things up for her? Why did my mouth have to keep going? Why couldn't it have just stopped?

Chick with the cool hair, I apologize for my senseless ramblings to you this evening. That was not my intention. I just wanted to say hello.

I am socially inept. Really, I am. Ugh.

wordless wednesday - celebrating 2 of my nationalities in a yummy way