day 4

I know I started this on Tuesday instead of Monday, but as to not keep confusing myself, I'm going with the date the rest of Paradox is using! This helps me with the handout we received (it's on the forums, too) of what to read each day.

This morning was so nice here at home. I don't go to work until this afternoon, so this was my first long moment of some great quality time with me & God. I got Kirsten off to school, doodled around online for a bit while waking up, then sat down to spend my time with God. I often have problems with prayer. Usually when I pray in my mind, I find myself getting easily distracted, with my thoughts going elsewhere. This time I was able to pray out loud, and it was wonderful! I was able to stay focused, and had a really long talk with God! I then took the time to re-read chapters 1-4 of John, to refresh & catch myself up on the devotionals. A little more prayer, some blog reading, and I feel great!

My friend Rebecca shared a great blog with me, one that I find very encouraging for what I'm living through right now. I don't know much about her, but Lysa TerKeurst is part of Proverbs 31 Ministries, which is geared towards women. Right now she's in the midst of a challenge to not eat any sugar, and she's been posting some of her thoughts through this. This quote stuck out to me, "The more I crave food and seek unhealthy satisfaction from food, the less I crave true satisfaction from Jesus." So often I find myself craving foods, and doing so when I'm not even hungry! It seems for the past few days I've been almost searching out the things I'm trying to keep from eating, and that's just been wasting time & focus, when I should be searching out moments with my Father instead! "So, how does one tap into God’s strength? Certainly prayer. Definitely reading the Bible. But there’s another part to it. Getting to a place where our lack of strength disgusts us. It’s found at the bottom of our excuses and rationalizations. It’s found when our efforts fail time and time again. It’s found in the humility of admission, “I need God.” One good choice later, we taste the empowerment of possibility and we start reaching forward from there."

One final quote from one of her posts...
"But for the others of you, who know exactly what I'm talking about in this post, I want to be that friend sitting across from you today saying, 'If you do this out of obedience to God, it will work.' Physically. Emotionally. And best of all, spiritually. 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, IN ALL YOUR WAYS, acknowledge him and he will make your path straight,' Proverbs 3: 5-6."

day 1

I think I survived the first day! I didn't get to start out with my devotional, only because I woke up late. I decided to do that at lunchtime instead. I had a sensible breakfast, and made sure to bring carrots and deviled eggs and water to work with me for snacking. For lunch I picked up some soup & milk, and sat in my car to do my devotions and pray while eating. The first main scent of temptation came at that time, though... there's a donut shop around the corner from us, and when I walked out the back door of work, I could smell it! I practically drooled! LOL I did drink a big thing of water (of which I haven't been consuming much water at all for months now), so that was an interesting change. I sometimes thought I wish it was a Coke or Sprite, just for that sweet factor, and I used those moments to say a quick little prayer while working. That was kind of neat!

Another temptation came after work when I went to Kroger. I needed to pick up some more cottage cheese (on a good sale!) and good foods (I even got little pita pockets & some hummus and spinach dip for me & Kirsten!). But shopping after work, when it's time for dinner & I'm hungry - I should've known! I laughed a lot through the store, and had a fun little dialog running with God during my attempts of avoiding the candy & bakery & ice cream isles! (But Bryers was on sale!!!)

I was able to talk with Kirsten about this some tonight. She seemed receptive to the idea, and even a little interested in what I'm doing. I told her that when her sweet snacks run out, I won't be buying any more for a while, that she'll just have to keep eating the fruits for sweets. She said I can buy more in 3 weeks! LOL I guess she did listen to me! :)

the decision has been made

I realized tonight that I need to mark down, commit in writing and put it out there, what my commitment will be during this time of fasting. Today I found myself saying "I think" in regards to it, but I know I need to just write it as "I will" instead! So, here's what I've decided to keep away from... sugar. To me, this means no pop, no ice cream, no sherbet, no candy bars, no chocolate... (I can't believe I just said no chocolate!)... this will truly be a sacrifice for me! I may not be absolute on it (for example, I may eat a flavored yogurt & see later that a small amount of sugar was in the ingredients), but this will definitely be a change. I'll try looking at the labels (yes, Ruth, there are such things on what you consume!) to see what I'm putting in my body. I'll be more aware of what I'm eating and drinking. I know this will also force me to buy more "natural" sweets - fruits! And I'll be eating more veggies, too! (I know this will surprise my Mom!)

I'm going to try to incorporate this into Kirsten's diet for the next 3 weeks as well. This weekend was very stimulating to her (we did a lot & went visiting a lot), so her mood wasn't the best for having a discussion about this. I'm hoping tomorrow night she'll be more alert & able to listen to what I have to share with her about this. Sure, she won't understand the depth of the idea of fasting, but I'll make it something that she can grasp and hopefully remember.

Matt's sacrifice will be different from mine. He can already go weeks without sugar, if needed (his snacking habits are different from mine). He decided he'll drink nothing but water. I'll be the first to tell you - this will be hard for him! He does not enjoy drinking just plain 'ol water! But this is what he decided to do.

Today as I spent a few hours in the kitchen cleaning a bunch of fruits and vegetables, I realized that this is actually going to force me to change my eating habits and make them better for my body. Then I got excited to realize that this will also effect my family - all 3 of us will be eating healthier! I may have to ask my sis-in-law Jenn for some ideas (she recently changed their family's eating habits drastically, and they've been loving it!)!

Anyway, I also need to remember to do my daily Bible reading throughout this fasting time. I'm so excited to see what God will be doing in my life through this!!!

(Again, I did say no chocolate, didn't I?!?)

the fasting challenge

Paradox, the church we attend, is starting a church-wide challenge right now. The challenge is to fast. Now, for me this will not be a literal fasting of all foods. I just don't think that physically I can do this. I know the initial thought may be that I'm just not giving God enough credit that He can pull me through it, but that's not the case. For some medical reasons, it just wouldn't be a smart idea to attempt it. But what I am going to do is give up something that I daily think about or crave. I could say it's coffee, because I sure do love it, but I often skip days on my own. Just a month ago when I had a bad cold, I went over a week without it, just because I knew it wasn't going to taste as good to me. So, coffee's not the thing. I just have to come up with a decision here. Chocolate, perhaps? I know I've been eating that or thinking of that on a more regular basis lately. Sugar? As in sweets and pop and such? I have been on a huge ice cream kick the last several weeks. It has to be a sacrifice. It has to be something that won't be easy to do. I want, and I really do want, to see what happens during this. I've never attempted this in any way before. I want to see this get difficult for me, and for me to remember during those times to turn to God and pray about it. I want to pray for Him to use these moments to draw me closer to Him, to increase my desire and hunger for Him.

Throughout the next few weeks, I'm going to attempt the daily reading, too. I picked up a copy of it at church today, but they'll also be posted on our forums in case I forget. I'm eager to see how this goes for me. I challenged Matt to do it, too, and we'll probably talk more tomorrow when we have the time. This could be a really good thing for the both of us. I'm excited to see what happens!

in the clear

I had my follow-up with my doctor this morning about my surgery. I'm surprised the scale there didn't show that I gained 10 pounds - I feel like I should've, considering all I did was lay around for a whole week, and the eating didn't subside! She said the incision area looks good & seems to be healing well. Only setback is that I have a bit of an infection in the area. Got meds for that & it should improve soon. She wanted me to stay home another week if I could, and I asked if I could go back to work today! She asked for a few more days, and I asked about tomorrow... we settled on tomorrow! (Hooray!) So, I'll just keep taking it easy & not lifting much (looks like I need Matt's help for laundry still! LOL). Oh, the doctor said the mass was definitely endometriosis, and it was about 2 inches by 2 inches by 2 inches (? did I say too many 2's there?!? LOL) - larger than a golf ball.

I'm excited to return to work tomorrow and get back to some sense of normality around here again! It'll be good for Matt & Kirsten, too. I'm sure they've been thrown off their regular routines with me home all the time! They've been good at helping out during all of this, and I have to say it again - Matt's been an excellent husband and caretaker of mine while I've been recovering. We even had our anniversary (14 years!) last Wednesday, and it was good to just spend time relaxing together. More than words!

Thanks for the prayers and well-wishes during this... I love you all!
xoxo - Ruth

one week down

It's been a full week since my surgery, and I'll have to admit that I'm going a little stir crazy at home here! Yesterday was literally my first day out and about a bit... I went to a meeting in the morning & then out to lunch with my sister & Mom. Those two events wiped me out! It was odd - I felt a little light-headed while driving at first... wonder if it was all the fresh air?!? I noticed that gas prices went up a quarter since I've been on lock-down! Today I'm back to being grounded, tomorrow I'll be out for Mother's Day (church & hopefully some time out for me & my girlie, if I'm feeling well enough), then Monday morning I get my follow-up visit with my doctor.

For the past few days, I think I've been getting a little paranoid about my recovery. I've been behaving myself, really! I mean, how much trouble can I get into by laying on the couch, getting up occasionally to wander to another room, and laying back down? The doctor was so right, though - she said I'll feel like I can do things, but I'll need to rest. I kind of feel normal, not really in pain much at all. I guess the rest is so that I don't keep using my stomach muscles, which happens every time I go from a sitting/laying position to standing. Anyway, the paranoia started a few nights ago when I saw a few blood spots on the paper towel (I didn't have any gauze to use!) I put on the wound. There was a little bit of yellow, too, but not as much as the blood. Since then, there's been more. They're just tiny spots, but bright red. There's a part on the incision that I'm wondering if it wasn't closed up properly - I really wish she would've used stitches or something, just to make sure it healed closed well. That's the part I'm getting paranoid about. I hope it is healing correctly - I'd hate to lose any more time of work! (I miss work, actually! I miss my co-workers, the patients, and the getting away from home part!) Oh, one thing that's been bad is the itching!!! Of course, things need to be clean & shaved when there's surgery, and when hair starts to grow back in... IT ITCHES HORRIBLY!!! Ugh! LOL It's been really hard for me to restrain myself, to be honest! There's one patch of skin that I guess I'd been itching at - it's an inch or two from the incision, and I guess I'd been inadvertently scratching there instead. Now it's a huge red patch the size of a 1/2 dollar coin! I've gotta stop this!!! *twitch, twitch*

Matt's been excellent at taking care of me and making sure I don't do too much. I even thought maybe I could sneak out to see a movie with a friend on Wednesday, but the warden layed down the law and said no way! He's been great, and Kirsten's been pretty good, too.

So, I wait. I wait to see what news the doctor has for me Monday. I wait and heal up a little more in the meantime. And I rest.

doctor's offices can be frustrating

So, today I called the doctor's office to set up my one-week follow-up with my doctor. The phones must've been busy, because it went to a machine and I had to leave a message. Someone from the office called me back after hours to schedule my appointment. She asked what I needed to see the doctor about, I told her I had surgery last Friday and that the doctor needed to see me for a one-week follow-up. Well, the gal told me I could come in on Wednesday, otherwise I'd have to wait until next week. She wasn't too helpful, either - seemed as if she wanted to get me off the phone quickly. Hmmm... I ended up setting an appt. for next Thursday morning. Before hanging up, I questioned if that was too far from the surgery, again restating that the doctor wanted to see me in a week. She (with a bit of a snotty attitude) told me the doctor didn't have anything else.

So, I called the office back and left a message for a nurse to call me tomorrow. I stated I had surgery last Friday and have some follow-up questions. I'm kind of hoping that my doctor just calls me, that way when I mention the appointment, I'm sure she'll just tell them to get me in this Friday! I know they must have times they can squeeze things like that in. I need to get the okay to return to work from her first - I can't wait another week! We'll see!

Oh, and today I finally started my period! (I know guys, TMI! LOL) At least it's been a few days post-op, so it's easier to deal with!

One more thing - my sister Val came by for a few today & she wanted to see the incision. I was glad, because she could get a better look than I could, and she answered a few questions for me! There's only those steri-strip type things on there, no stitches (I took off the bandages yesterday), the incision is slightly above my c-section scar, and it's about the length of my index finger (3 or so inches). That's all for now!

so far, so good

Nothing too much to report over here... things are going pretty good. I'm resting a lot, which is kind of driving me nutty, but I know it's necessary. Yesterday the pain finally kicked in some, but not too bad. Today I decided to not take any meds for it, so I'd be more aware of the pain. I can't really sleep the day away, because Matt's sleeping (with church this morning & work tonight, the afternoon's the only time he could sleep today) and Kirsten's home. Not like I don't take naps when she's home, but I want to at least spend time with her reading & watching a movie or such. I'll have time to sleep/rest more while she's in school this week. Oh, the other reason I want to be aware of the pain today (aside from it keeping me awake) is so that I don't do things around here while Matt's sleeping! A friend dropped off a meal yesterday & I felt bad that the apartment's pretty messy. It's taking everything in me not to get up and do things, so being uncomfortable will remind me that I shouldn't be doing things, no matter if I want to or not! LOL (Understand the method to my madness now?!?) The pain's not horrible, anyway, and I have a pretty high tolerance. Also have that SISU thing, you know! ;)

Thanks to the friends that loaned me the laptop & Ethernet cord so I can do this via the couch... much more comfortable than sitting at a desk today!

Hope many of you got outside to enjoy the sun & nice air out there today... it's beautiful!!!

the post-scoop

Things went well today. I'm on some good meds, so I mustered up enough energy to sit at the computer & give you a little update! LOL Unfortunately, we didn't get a lot of details from the doctor after the procedure. Now Matt knows how I feel every time I visit her for appointments - in, fast talking, then out she goes! The basics are that she was able to get the mass, took some surrounding tissue (I'm guessing it's at least about the size of a golf ball),sewed me back up, and that was that. It was only about a 20 minute or so surgery. She did have to do it by incision, but that's okay. We didn't get anything more than that really! I need to see her back in a week for follow-up.

So far, I'm not really in any pain, but I had quite a bit of help controlling that earlier! LOL We were just surprised with how fast I was able to leave. We're so used to Kirsten having problems with anesthesia and us having to stay for hours before we can go. Here, it was within 1/2 hour of being in the recovery room before we left. And that's including me eating a snack (raisin toast w/butter and some orange juice - yum!)!

Thanks a ton for your prayers and such! I'll get back to you as I can... Matt's telling me my time's up and I need to lay back down! :) Looks like he'll be keeping a close watch on me!